This week, the mud stacks high in oozing piles of malaise and aggression. The principal players on our sundry stage remain unchanged. In fact, the very scene itself has dragged on too long, the props collect dust, and the actors enjoy unyielding monologues wrought with inane banter. The streets lie thick with an oppressive fog as even the clamoring of would-be do-gooders is stifled at the very breath. As the second act ensues a duel is made apparent: The age old rivalry between the Man and the people's choice. What is to become of this folly? What will indeed. Let us recount this week's affairs with a clarity often absent from this perverted theatre.

In the past, the music industry has shape-shifted with changeling speed. First, vinyl records were sold in stores across the world. Then, cassette tapes evolved from rudimentary 8-tracks, CDs from cassettes, and MiniDiscs shortly thereafter. During these transitions, the industry feared that cassette tapes and MiniDiscs would facilitate the pirating of copyrighted music. In the end though, the technology was embraced, the industry evolved with the evolving mediums, and music became more accessible to more people. Sadly, this is no longer the case. At the root of this looming hiatus is a former garage band (now turned Internet mercenary) called Metallica.

The crusader for justice in a world where criminals operate above the law.

The overstuffed Volkswagen has rolled center stage, and buffoons tumble from the silly doors. There stand Metallica, the four key clowns intent on undermining the Internet as we know and appreciate it. The belligerent drummer, Lars Ulrich, recently paid a visit to the offices of Napster to deliver a box of "important" documents for Shawn Fanning and friends. The contents of this box are most absurd. Per Napster's request, Metallica has produced the names of 335,435 users who on average have five Metallica tracks in their shared folders. The great irony here lies in Metallica's general misunderstanding of the Internet. Lost in a world of hairspray and grimaced visages, Ulrich and Co. haven't taken the time to understand the service it demonizes so fervently. Many winced as Ulrich admitted, "I've never been on any of these Internet sites" (referring to Napster, Gnutella, and other file-sharing portals). Metallica threatens that the 335,435 users will be labeled as "defendants" in the lawsuit, should Napster not remove them from its server. A laughable request, seeing that these "criminals" can log back on with different user names and e-mail addresses after they have been fingered.

"You educate the public - it's wrong, it's criminal - then you go after the largest offenders. Right now, that's Napster,'' Howard King said. "After Napster, who knows? It's certainly not out of the question that somebody goes after the users.''

However, rumor around the dumpsters alludes to designs far more insidious than the tyrannical behavior of Metallica. Many insiders have noted that Howard King has embarked on a personal jihad against the Internet community with both drastic and dramatic intent. Obviously, if the Metallica band members have never "been on" Napster or Gnutella, surely they have has no idea how the systems work and how they might affect their livelihood as "artists." Likewise, Dr. Dre was reportedly "shocked" when he was shown how every song he's ever recorded was on Napster. The implications reek of foul deeds. Does King have both Metallica and Dr. Dre wrapped up in a weird guild? And now the ILOVEYOU virus has swept across the globe, both concealing MP3s and erasing image files? The fingers all point to one rank puppeteer. In any case, other sources say that King might also be a Scientologist.

Perhaps you scoundrels are wondering what this entire hubbub is all about. In case you are of neophyte stature in the file-sharing world, I provide below a dozen ways to acquire a Metallica song for free. (note that these methods may be construed as illegal in some jurisdictions):

1) Download and use Napster or one of nine other file sharing programs, including Gnutella and Scour (see Chasing MP3s for the full list).

2) Borrow a Metallica CD from a friend. Place the CD in your computer CD drive. Using ripping software, rip the desired tracks from the CD and place them in a folder to either enjoy now or burn later.

3) Borrow a username and password for a friend's Beam-it account, enter them into your computer, and listen to his previously beamed Metallica album for free on your PC.

In related buzz, the word is out that Jorge Gonzalez, founder of Zeropaid.com, has targeted pedophilic users who search and exchange child pornography using Gnutella software. He has erected a Wall of Shame on his web site, which posts the pervert's time of download, IP address, and domain name for the world to ridicule. "Most people are using Gnutella to download music. Very few people are using it for child porn, and I don't want them on it," said Jorge Gonzalez. Fortunately for the delinquents, they can readily accept the ILOVEYOU virus and wipe their hard drives clean of all illicit JPEGs.

A controversy of distribution and design.

Waiting in the wings, we find the final act: the downtrodden (but not forgotten) Michael Robertson, and the pending decision from Judge Jed S. Rakoff. Though the RIAA is hoping to exact damages in the billions of dollars, sources believe that MP3.com is looking to strike up a deal to their mutual benefit. Is that the pot calling the kettle black? "The purpose of the settlement discussion is to establish the legitimate basis on which the service can continue," said Robertson. "I don't think anyone in the recording industry is looking to stop new business models that take advantage of the uniqueness of the Internet." Some skeptics warn that a joint myMP3.com/RIAA venture will result in consumer cost and industry regulation of media. For Michael Robertson though, this will prove a nice Get Out of Jail Free card.

Chuck D: The rapper behind the ripper.

For the encore, let us not forget Chuck D, lead rapper of Public Enemy and adamant Napster supporter. Unlike most artists, Chuck D feels that Napster and the Internet will prove positive as tools for developing and promoting smaller bands. "By exposing people to music, companies like Napster are creating new fan interest and establishing a new infrastructure for unknown artists to attract an audience - a new radio for the new millennium." At least someone in the industry has his wits about him.

That's all the dirt fit to shovel. Until next week, I'm Frank Bourbon, hard on the street ad aperturam libri.

Getting/Giving the finger: "The Dr. Dre suit will look remarkably similar to that of Metallica, we do have a word processor over here." -Howard King, both Metallica and Dr. Dre's lawyer, boasting his high-tech, time-saving strategy in suing Napster Now that's a free lesson.

Frank Bourbon is always hard on the street -- digging through the trash, uncovering the dirt, and sifting through the music industry debris. To add your dirt to the pile, shoot him an e-mail at bourbon@gamespot.com.

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